21. Out and About

For the first time after years, I saw something different in her eyes. The want to change and be better for no one but herself. The illegible handwriting in the pages of her journal told so much about her than her finely worn clothes. She was on a mission to be more of herself and less of what the world wanted her to be.

She smiled at her own jokes and didn't feel guilty about it. She laughed at idiocy and didn't feel mean about it. Maybe that was a part of her problem earlier. She had been feeling too much. Even during the times when it was wise to avoid. She was feeling the unnecessary pain of people who were capable of taking care of themselves.

Time guided her to clarity. She understood, there was nothing wrong in being kind but there was everything wrong with how she had been treating herself just to be kind. Kindness had the price to pay and she paid it all. She paid it with everything she'd ever had and so much more. She paid it till there was nothing left for her.

Her emotions ran short and feelings became blessings. A smile, a laugh, a thought all of them together became blessings to start over all new. All pumped up to participate in the race which she called living; she ran but she was already caught up in the vicious cycle of emotions which were soon set to disappear.

At times, she thanked god for her body, the well functioning tears which without any warning kept rolling down her cheeks. A lump in her throat which didn't leave her alone. The symbolical additions to her understanding of weakness. Her precious little heart had felt dead for more than just a moment. Only tears made her feel alive.

When others saw her, it was only the act she was putting up. A loving family, healthy relationships what more did she need anyway? She had all the ingredients to cook the perfect dish of happiness. She was only putting up a show really, but what people didn't understand was, some recipes don't add up.

Some recipes don't matter. What's required is the secret ingredient, an affection put along with all the ingredients. While she was surrounded by the people who loved and cared for her;  her affection towards herself was missing. Never to be found. Not until she taught herself to love again.

20. 25 Questions: How to Give Up on Your Dreams

What is he going to say?

What is she going to think of me?

But no one else has done it before?

Why has no one done it yet?

Is this bound to be a failure?

Are others going to help me get there?

Who are my people and who are against me?

Why is anyone even against me?

What have I done wrong?

Should I have talked differently to her the other day?

Does he think I am still a loser because I tripped over?

Are they going to think of me as a cry baby?

Do first impression even matter?

Let's see what was my first impression of him?

Has it changed?

How long did it take for me to change my impression of him?

Is it going to be same for him?

When was the last time I had succeeded?

Was there even the time I have ever succeeded?

What did others think of me back then?

Does my hard work even matter?

Is success a myth?

But I have seen people succeed effortlessly.

Does hard work even count or is it all luck?

Am I lucky enough?

Where do I find luck?