11. Be the Story

If you are one of those people who know about me then you should by now know how serious I am about writing or anything that has mildly anything to do with writing as an art. You should have known by now, how really inspired I am by the words and how much I love to read from the basics to the advanced.

As an aspiring writer myself, I look into people, have little conversations with them, ask them random questions. Most people, what they don't understand is these are the times when  I am looking out for characters, the characters who can make their way into my stories.

The most authentic ones are my favorite kinds, they are filled with mystery and originality. They are the kinds I usually like to reach out for. There is so much I can write about them. 

And then, there are the others who put on the mask. I see that mask as the cry for help. These are the people who already see themselves as the characters. There is nothing much to write about them but it's always fun to talk to them.

I like to know people slowly, one question at a time, the former kinds amaze me with their answers, I like how some choose not to answer and that's when I enjoy the power of non verbal communication. The way their eyes don't meet mine. The way how they are suddenly embarrassed for not have being able to answer the question. I would want to reassure them, let them know how perfectly they are answering my questions but I restraint myself. I sit back. Enjoy my imaginary cup of coffee and simply observe.

I like to feel the mystery and tension in the real life myself. The kind I want to create in my writings and I know I am never going to feel an accomplished writer until I make my readers feel the same. 

However, it's difficult to find the characters. People now are so afraid to be their authentic self, afraid to have been labelled as a weirdo. If you ask me, I see nothing wrong with being a weirdo who is different and is true to self and others. In fact, for me nothing screams perfection louder than this weirdo.

I write this as an appeal for everyone reading out there to be their true self. Help me find the characters. Let yourself be the story. 

10. Falling in Hate

Love and hate, I believe are the strongest emotions and I try to keep my distance with both of them. Handling both these emotions would require a lot of hard work and I am just not ready and don't have the kind of energy they demand. I have often been confused and considered as a person with cold heart for the same reason. I don't complain.

For me, when I say, I stay away from hate I mean from the both sides. I try not to give much attention to people who hate me and at the same time I try to remain within the comfortable zone which I refer to as the positive space. Positive space helps me not hate someone even if I feel strongly (bad) about them.

I am not lying when I say I have never hated anyone before in my entire life. Recently though the negative emotions have taken over my positive space and I am starting to feel hate towards certain someone. This is all very interesting to me and I have found out intriguing facts about hate.

Loving and hating someone for the first time feels so much similar. I go through all the confusion. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act around the person. I can't concentrate on what I am doing or what I am supposed to be doing. It's so difficult and this makes my life only miserable. Like I said I have realized it's very similar to falling in love for the first time.

I had always guessed but I never knew for certain that hating required this lot of energy and I am actually amazed thinking about the people who have so much hate within themselves. Constantly criticizing, commenting and putting their nose into someone else's business. Seriously, hats off to them. It is indeed very difficult and I know it now. I know the amount of energy that's required to hate someone. I am sorry, it's wasted on something so useless. But well, who am I to judge?

For me? I am still in the phase of hate where I am trying to figure things out. I am trying to do the right thing and to some level I think I am embracing this new emotion I have come across. I am trying to make the best out of it because who knows how long it's going to last and who knows whether or not I am going to feel this emotion again. I am letting myself enjoy it while it's still there.

9. Hello

When I heard Hello for the first time, a lot of thoughts ran through my mind and I knew I had to write about them to calm my nerves.

But writing was next to impossible at least for few days after listening to the song. The emotions I felt were so overwhelming that I couldn't think straight. Adele's music tend to do that to people and I know everyone would agree.

It's been days after the release of the song but the chills it still gives me, every time I listen to this song is amazing. I enjoy it in a weird way and I am sure I am not the only one. As I went through the comment below her video this evening I saw almost everyone could relate to it.

I, myself relate to the song in so many ways. It reminds me how much we crave second chances in life. It explains how afraid and insecure we are, because we are always so afraid to try out the second chance in life even when we get it. It reminds me, how despite of knowing the right thing to do, we spend our time in the same old fashion of overthinking. The time which could have been otherwise utilized in by picking up the receiver already.

I have often been one of those people, who is just plain afraid to pick of the phone and call the person at times when it's necessary. Now I listen to the song I realize it was just a phone call after all and ask myself why I was so hesitant. Always looking for excuses and making one up myself. I went to the every possible extent to avoid the call, to confront the other person. I didn't mind being coward at all.

It reminds me of the time when I knew saying sorry was the right thing to do but how many times I have failed to apologize. How I could not structure the sentence correctly. The times when talking about it was so difficult and avoiding became so easy. I feel sorry about the time. The times which has resulted in the sleepless nights in my side.

Lastly, it reminds me of the time when I actually collected every strength I had in me to put it all together and pick up the receiver, give the other person the call they deserved and say sorry. To explain the reasons behind my behaviors to them but how it wasn't enough and how it was already late.

Today, I want to say sorry to all those people whom I owe one. It might not mean much but, sorry from the other side.

8. The Spice Of Life

How I spot a liar?

If someone tells me, s/he has never had Chatpatey or Panipuri in the streets then that's how I know there are high chances the person is lying to me because no matter how old you are and how unhealthy you think it is you must have at least once had Chatpatey or Panipuri from the street vendors.

I was introduced to this world of spice since very early age. There used to be the time when I and my friend used to have Chatpatey every single day while returning back home from school. I don't remember the year exactly but this was the time when we used to get Rs.10 worth of Chatpatey so much that it used to be difficult for both of us to finish it.

I started experimenting with the spice and was introduced to Panipuri a little later after Chatpatey. The cost was much lower than what it is now for the Panipuri as well, we used to get 10 pieces of Panipuris for Rs. 10 and sometimes more if we bargained for it.

But my favorite among the all the spices of the streets would have to be Papadi Chat. There are a lot of people who I know have never ate it and trust me when I say, you are missing out on one of the best street food. Try it, your taste buds will thank you for it.

Over the period of years, a lot of things have changed but my carving for these street spice remains the same. Sure, I am more concerned now than when I was a child when it comes to eating unhealthy food but once in a while, I give in to the carving. There are times when I leave everything I am doing and rush out of the house just to add some spice into my life.

I am very choosy about who makes my Chatpatey, Panipuri and especially Papadi Chat. I have been regular customer of two street vendors at New Baneshwor for over ten years and I don't think it will change anytime soon. I don't know anyone who knows how I like my spice better than those two.

And there are always perks of being the regular customer:

- You get to instruct them on how you like your spice

- You are always welcomed with the smile

- You get more compared to others in the same price

Most importantly while others don't get packing facility even when they ask for it, the first question I am always asked is "Khanney ki lanney?"

(Note: For those who haven't been lying about not having the street spices:
What are you waiting for? Go add some spice in your life.)

7. The Tikapur, Kailali Incident

This isn't the first time I have heard about people dying in Nepal. I grew up learning the news about people dying in one place or another from different sources; television, radio, my parents, strangers in the coffee shop. I grew up during the 10 years long civil war period in Nepal. There used to be thousands of headlines that were differently worded everyday; however, the meaning remained the same.

Back then I was just a child and I couldn't just contemplate what dying meant. It was just another headline for me, just another topic that old men would converse about in the coffee shop next day or in the family gatherings.

Over the period of time more of them have died but their deaths have been more meaningful to me with each passing day.

I learnt about the Tikapur incident via internet today. First post I learnt read, four police officers dying. It wasn't able to catch my attention just yet because sadly, I hear that kind of news every other day. I silently prayed for their soul to rest in peace and went on to do whatever I was doing. The next time I logged into the Facebook after few hours, there was a follow up to the same news, 21 dead and still counting.

I knew something was wrong, first thought that came to my mind was a year ago incident of Pakistan when the kids had been killed by the terrorists in the school. I don't know why but my unconscious related the two stories. I scrolled down my news feed instead of clicking on the link. I was too afraid. My news feed was filled with the posts of people showing their disgust towards the murders and government, shameful that they had to call themselves the part of this country.

A part of me felt the same because had this been 10 years ago, I could've avoided the news. I would have been too small. But now, I have not only grown up but have become older and wiser. I have learnt a lot about the world. I know what it's like to live. I know what it's like to lose something close to your heart, I know what it's like to have near death experience and I know what a family of the deceased go through.

As I kept scrolling I learnt about the death of two years old little child. The child should have been more clueless than I was, 10 years ago.

I texted a friend who lives there to make sure that her family was okay. And right now, I am overwhelmed with whatever I have learnt in past few hours. I sit in front my computer and let my fingers move in sync with my mind which is occupied with every one who died today. I can't help but think about their family, their aspirations, what they might have planned for tomorrow.

I don't know what the reason for their death was. I don't know why a little child was a part of this. I don't know what their demands are and whether or not they should be met.  All I know is no one should have died. All I know is no one should have killed anyone so brutality. All I know is this has to stop. 

6. Coffee Date I : Monsoon Memories

We are often proud about how we are different from one another. But it was only after the day I met Miss Ordinary, when I realized, we are all similar. One way or another. I figured that's because we all have heart and we all love. When these two combine together, it makes us do crazy and stupid things. And sometimes stops us from doing the same.

For her, it was the love towards her parents. She described her mother as a constant source of encouragement and her father as a motivator. And might I add, they both have raised an ideal daughter with whom I had the privilege to talk, heart to heart on June 23, 2015.

The X-Factor

What I learnt and liked about her is, she is always open to try new things. The more off and out of box it sounded, the more she was excited about it. It's hard to find people who look for new things to try in this world where everyone is so comfortable with the routine. She shared her secret which helped her get through this difficult sounding idea. Self-commitment. Once you are committed to the idea of getting it done, nothing can stop you before you give it your 100%. Sounds dope. I will remember this as a mantra, next time I am too lazy to complete my assignment.

Flaws Never Mattered

I have always thought perfection is boring. I would never write about someone who is perfect. No fun at all. She is flawed in her own ways. She is simple and reserved; and prefers to keep her life private. Apparently, in this world obsessed with perfection and drama those are awful traits to have. Weird world we live in.

The Picture Story

When I asked her to bring one of her possessions for the picture, she said "I have brought my most dramatic possession." It was dramatic indeed. But at the same time, it was also the most beautiful thing she could have brought to define herself. It was her Miss LA crown.. The crown is the reason behind me addressing her as Miss Ordinary as she went on to explain she was no different than anyone else in her batch of students. She even thought there were better students who deserved it more but ended up winning it. That's the funny thing about life, you never know what it has in store for you.

Words of Wisdom

Charles Darwin and she have something in common because they both think the key to easy life is Adaptation. The more adaptable and easy going you are, the more you live and learn.

Physical possession don't matter, she learnt that recently after the earthquake. No matter how much you possess, at the end of the day all you need is your dear ones beside you, especially at the time of hopelessness.

Optimism is a good thing to have but be careful to draw a line before it scatters you in the worst way possible. Too much optimism is bad for your practical health. She learnt it the hard way. 

Monsoon Memories

This is another reason why I am calling her someone similar to all of us. Because like everyone else, she loves the first few drops of the rain the most and the smell of it and doesn't know why. She believes, sometimes rain is there just in time to remind us that life is beautiful. To make us feel good about ourselves and to connect us to the unknown side of ourselves which we usually choose to avoid. She suggested, listening to rain as the strongest form of meditation if you are someone who doesn't get to spend alone time frequently.

Her favorite monsoon memory includes getting completely drenched in  the rain with a friend. She excitedly mentioned she loved how they were talking silly with one another, least bothered about how they are going to get past the heavy rain and reach home safe without an umbrella.

After-rain for her isn't as pleasant as the rain. She blames the roads of Kathmandu.  

5. The day I wished I was a Directioner

I love talking to kids. Unfortunately I don't usually have anything to talk about. I ask their names and that is it. I don't like asking them questions about their school and studies because I know how annoying it is. I hated questions that had anything to do with my school or studies, as a kid.

I met a eleven year old girl few months ago and her sister who was only fifteen. The younger one seemed friendly, She was constantly looking at me reading a magazine. I looked up from the magazine and smiled at her. I asked her name and she replied. After a minute or so, I had nothing to talk about and that's why I went back to reading.

'Do you have songs in your cell phone?' she asked sweetly. She was the first eleven year old to ask me whether I had songs in my cell phone instead of games. I loved her for that one reason alone. I gave her my cell phone. She went through my playlist and returned it to me when she didn't find any song that fancied her.

She went to where her sister was and brought her sister's cell phone. She played a song. I recognized it instantly.

'I like this song. What is the title of this song?' she asked me. Hey Soul Sister. Easy. She looked impressed. 

'Who sang this song?' she asked again. Train. It was going great. I was feeling proud of myself. I liked the fact that she was liking me. She was liking me only because I was answering her questions.

'How many members are there in Train?' It started to get difficult. I had no idea. Five, I faked my confidence.

The song ended and there was a pin drop silence for a fraction of second. Another song started to play in her sister's cell phone. I had never heard that song before.

'Do you listen to One Direction?' She seemed excited.

'No.' I felt rather guilty about it.

'Oh.' She said and walked away towards her sister, where they both sang along with the song at the top of their lungs, leaving me alone with the magazine.

But I do know some of their songs. I realized it, a little too late.

4. The Guy with Weird Brows

I struggle with remembering names. They all sound so similar to me but I memorized his name the very first time I heard it. We had all laughed at his name, not because it sounded odd or was weird but because a teacher made fun out of it, the very first day of college. I didn't bother to turn around to look at his face. That is why it didn't start with his name because his name wasn't a problem.

The problem was his eyebrows. I had borrowed his scale not realizing that he was the same guy from the previous day. A bench mate pointed it out to me just when I was about to return his scale. Instead of a 'Thank You', I tried to crack a joke referring to yesterday's incident. He looked confused and raised his brows in a way that I didn't quite understand what he was trying to say.

He looked scary. His heavily build body complimented his weird brows and I pictured him as the beast from the story "Beauty and the Beast". I must have exaggerated about his looks a little but his brows was enough for me to not talk to him again, for weeks.

Maybe he didn't like the joke, it crossed my mind only after weeks. I tried to talk to him again. Surprisingly, he wasn't scary at all. His weird brows contradicted his personality. He was rather funny and friendly.

One day, I gathered all my courage to let him know that I found his brows weird. He raised his brows again. 'You look scary when you do that' I told him, this time laughing. He must have heard it for the very first time because he looked rather confused.

This was the day when we danced together. He promised me to teach Salsa and dropped the idea later that day when he realized I wasn't much of a dancer.

It has been almost five years now and this guy with weird brows has been my best friend. A lot has happened in these five years but he has always remained by my side at the best and especially at the worst. He has seen me cry and curse like nobody else.

Sometimes, I wonder why didn't he run away but this is the question only he can answer. All I know is he is one of the best things that has happened to me and I am glad I made a silly attempt to be funny and was impulsive enough to crack the joke at the moment.

3. Looking Back: Photo Diary

These are some pictures I took after the April 25 earthquake. They are not of the best quality (sorry about that) but they hold a lot of memories. I couldn't capture two most magical moments in my camera due of some circumstances. I will mention about them below (see extras).

Day I: The Doomsday

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1. People gathered around the BICC hall at Baneshwor. We were all afraid, we had no idea what was going on and we didn't know what to expect. The Worst Nightmare.


Day II: The Doomsday Continues

The worst day of my life. After all that happened in the previous day, all I could think about was earthquake and nothing else. The fear which I had never experienced before made its way to my head and I thought I was going insane. I hoped it was only a bad dream. I had never experienced anything that bitter. The 6.8 Richter scale aftershock left me absolutely helpless and out of my mind.

Day III: The things didn't get any better

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2. I went for a walk. I was proud of myself to have gotten myself out to the reality. I had heard about the famous Santinagar gate fall but I didn't know about the damage it caused. When I took the photo, I thought that was it. I went nearer. I saw blood and a child's shoe under a seat. I cried for the first time after the doomsday. I hope the child is okay.

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3. I saw a little ray of hope and felt a little stronger after I saw people helping each other and the first ones to help were The Red Cross Society. Thank You.

Day IV: In search of answers

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4. It was already the fourth day but I was still confused. No matter how much I believe that I don't believe in God. Deep inside I hoped behind all those trees, I could get few answers.

5

5. It made me happy to see our Pashupatinath Temple, still standing tall and strong. What saddened me was there were no more than around 100 worshipers in the always so crowded temple. Two worst questions crossed my mind:
i) Are there no people left in the valley?
ii) Have people stopped believing in god?
I didn't feel one bit stupid as I feel right now to have asked the questions, that day.

Day V: Answer to one of the questions

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6. My first question was answered the fifth day when I saw people lining up to leave the valley. The government had announced to give fare-free service to the people outside of valley while it got sponsorship of over 500 buses. The line started from Baneshwor to almost Koteshwor and it was only 6:00 in the morning.


Day VI: Crazy little thing called Hope 

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7. Lighting diyo(s) for the safety of the family and in the name of the departed souls.
    (at Baglamukhi Temple)

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8. I wasn't sure whether a lot of people were leaving the valley or they were starting to feel safer inside the house. But it gave me strange happiness to see emptying BICC hall. My mind fooled me to believe that things are getting back to normal and everything is going to be alright.


Extras (I wasn't able to capture the following moments in the camera.)

i) There was a monkey inside the Pashupatinath temple and trust me, nothing screamed reassurance louder than a baby monkey eating a banana.

ii) There was a photojournalist outside the BICC hall. Apparently, a stray dog found the camera stand interesting. He was sniffing it when the photojournalist was kind enough to pet him.

2. The Aftermath

I live in a place relatively safer from earthquake compared to most of the affected areas in the country. I am thankful for it and I am also thankful that everyone I know are safe and are dealing with the whole situation so positively.

Even after all that has happened in this past 28 days, I had never really hated earthquake. Sure, earthquake has made me angry and irritated but I didn't hate it. I accepted it as the nature's way of doing things where all we can do is remain safe and help each other.

In these past few days I have been around many strangers. The people who live in my neighborhood. The ones I never had the opportunity to meet or know about until now. I would like to blame myself for not being social. 

One morning, after the 6.8/7.4 Richter scale aftershock, at around 4:00 in the morning, I heard a voice of a little girl, around seven of age whose name I had yet to learn. The innocent voice asked her mother why were the dogs barking and the birds chirping. I lost it then and there. I hated everything that was making the little girl afraid.

There was a lump of emotion building in my chest trying to make its way through my eyes and at that moment all I wanted to do was make everything stop, for the little child who isn't even sure what is happening. I wanted to make the dogs stop from barking, the birds from chirping and the land from shaking.

Like the earthquake that destroyed the houses, the child's question to her mother broke my heart into millions of pieces.

"They are letting us know it's morning." her mother replied.

I had to smile at her mother's response. :)

 

1. Understanding the Art of Forgiveness

It didn't take me long to realize that I had been drifting away from my everyday rituals for quite sometime now. The routine I had set for myself, knowingly or unknowingly. Sidetracking from the routine eventually led to sidetracking from my goal and finally resulted in forgetting the goal all together.

I don't know. It's just, he's so passionate about so many different things. I just don't get that way. Do you?
- Penny (The Big Bang Theory S06E21)

Not being passionate about a single thing, forget 'so many different things', can be difficult than it seems to be. Imagine walking in a desert in a straight line. Now imagine walking in a desert in circles. It's more likely that you will reach somewhere in the first case while in the latter case you are sure to reach no where. This is what feels like to have had no passion at all.

See? I wish I had some of that fire in my life. I mean, I want to care about things and get excited like you guys.
- Penny (The Big Bang Theory S06E21)

After giving a much thought about it, I have decided to follow a set of instructions that I have developed myself over a period of time to get myself back on track. The very first thing I have decided to do is forgive everyone.

Holding grudges with lot of people who were directly and indirectly involved in hurting me has worked against me. So I decide to forgive each one of them individually. The first thing I intend to do is: write down their names.