23. The Fit

He only knew how to love her. He didn't know how to show it. He didn't buy her beautiful gifts, nor did he help her in her housework. But you could frequently find him gazing her from afar. Trying to make sense of the feelings he felt towards her. Trying to find answers of why the dull looking eyes surrounded by heavy bags didn't bother him.

Something unlikely sparked in his heart every time he saw her. The feeling of unconventional happiness and immense love. He couldn't dare look away from her. Her not so captivating smile meant the world to him.

Only years later, he decided to do something about it. He wanted to show her love. The love he now not knew how to control. His eyes showed the passion and the actions its outcome. Learning to live for her didn't seem like he was cheating with his own life. Learning to cook, learning to watch reality shows didn't seem as dramatic.

He wanted to see the world from her eyes and in many times she reciprocated. She would wear the mismatching pair of socks in early winter morning just so that she could join him for the run. She smiled with her empty tummy and sacrificed her hour of sleep for what she felt was more important. She spent her time to love him.

Both of them only later realized how simple love was and how they had complicated it all these years, trying to find flaws in it rather than the fines. All that was needed was the willingness to love each other, no matter what life threw in their face.

Sure, there were days when she snoozed the alarm and he burnt the food but what helped them get through was a smile, an argument and most importantly the understanding of the fact that, if it weren't for one of them, how dull another one's life would be. 

22. Music Magic

I have a long relationship with music and songs.

I cannot tell you about the technical aspects of music. I don't know how to play any instrument. I have hard time determining what genre the song falls into. But I have been absolutely stunned by the power of music ever since I was a kid.

Back then, my favorite music used to be a jingle from condom commercial (yes, you read that right). I would always question my parents for scolding me while singing the jingle in front of house guests. Like any human relationships, I questioned my first crush. I feared the relationship as if I was doing something wrong, something I was not supposed to do.

As the years passed by my relationship with music only grew stronger. Nepali rock and pop music were at its peak back then. I spent my preteens waiting for The Countdown Show in Nepal Television at 8.10 in the morning. My relationship with Nepali music took a turn when Sandip from Axix/s band waved at me. I still remember singing their Adhuro Prem until my throat hurt. Preet ko Nasha by Cobweb is hands down the most romantic song I have ever listened in my entire life. 1974 A.D.'s Chari is still my favorite"go-to" cry song. 

During my early teens I was obsessed with Simple Plan. I knew every lyric from their album No Pads, No Helmets...Just balls. My taste of music slowly changed from puck rock to rock and alternative rock music with time but my first love will always remain Simple Plan. I still cry when they release their new song. I appreciate their loyal small fan base and am so proud to be a part of it. Like most human relations, I don't regret my first love. They are one of a kind. My favorite kind. I will love them always and forever.

In recent years I have stopped being picky about the kind of music I listen to. I started listening to anything and everything that made me feel good. Made me feel things, I didn't know I was capable of feeling. Love, sadness, anger, vengeance. Ed Sheeran made me feel love even when I was not in love. Beyonce made me feel empowered. Coldplay made me happy. 

My life has now been all about songs. I mightn't always listen to the mainstream songs. The songs everyone knows about but I have a list of songs that make me feel good. The songs I only listen to because I like that one line which I can relate to. The songs my friends asked me to listen. The songs I listen to for the first time. The songs I genuinely love and the songs I am embarrassed to love. 

People say, we are what I listen to. If that's true, all I can say about myself considering the songs I listen to is: I am me and I am not afraid of others. 

21. Out and About

For the first time after years, I saw something different in her eyes. The want to change and be better for no one but herself. The illegible handwriting in the pages of her journal told so much about her than her finely worn clothes. She was on a mission to be more of herself and less of what the world wanted her to be.

She smiled at her own jokes and didn't feel guilty about it. She laughed at idiocy and didn't feel mean about it. Maybe that was a part of her problem earlier. She had been feeling too much. Even during the times when it was wise to avoid. She was feeling the unnecessary pain of people who were capable of taking care of themselves.

Time guided her to clarity. She understood, there was nothing wrong in being kind but there was everything wrong with how she had been treating herself just to be kind. Kindness had the price to pay and she paid it all. She paid it with everything she'd ever had and so much more. She paid it till there was nothing left for her.

Her emotions ran short and feelings became blessings. A smile, a laugh, a thought all of them together became blessings to start over all new. All pumped up to participate in the race which she called living; she ran but she was already caught up in the vicious cycle of emotions which were soon set to disappear.

At times, she thanked god for her body, the well functioning tears which without any warning kept rolling down her cheeks. A lump in her throat which didn't leave her alone. The symbolical additions to her understanding of weakness. Her precious little heart had felt dead for more than just a moment. Only tears made her feel alive.

When others saw her, it was only the act she was putting up. A loving family, healthy relationships what more did she need anyway? She had all the ingredients to cook the perfect dish of happiness. She was only putting up a show really, but what people didn't understand was, some recipes don't add up.

Some recipes don't matter. What's required is the secret ingredient, an affection put along with all the ingredients. While she was surrounded by the people who loved and cared for her;  her affection towards herself was missing. Never to be found. Not until she taught herself to love again.

20. 25 Questions: How to Give Up on Your Dreams

What is he going to say?

What is she going to think of me?

But no one else has done it before?

Why has no one done it yet?

Is this bound to be a failure?

Are others going to help me get there?

Who are my people and who are against me?

Why is anyone even against me?

What have I done wrong?

Should I have talked differently to her the other day?

Does he think I am still a loser because I tripped over?

Are they going to think of me as a cry baby?

Do first impression even matter?

Let's see what was my first impression of him?

Has it changed?

How long did it take for me to change my impression of him?

Is it going to be same for him?

When was the last time I had succeeded?

Was there even the time I have ever succeeded?

What did others think of me back then?

Does my hard work even matter?

Is success a myth?

But I have seen people succeed effortlessly.

Does hard work even count or is it all luck?

Am I lucky enough?

Where do I find luck?

19. The Story of a Wanderer

An artist. A dancer.

Her sketches portray hard work. With her perfect detailing, she gives off an impression of a perfectionist and she is synonymous to patience. When she dances, she makes me want to be a dancer myself. She looks happy when she dances. I have always wanted to be happy like that.

A confused being with questions on her mind. Questions, she doesn't know where she can find answers of. A broken heart which is still to be mended, hidden behind beautiful smiles. A voice that wants to be listened. A girl who is too afraid to dream.

I listen to her stories of friendship, happiness, love and sadness. She teaches me patience. She teaches me the secret to happy life and healthy relationships. She is mastering the art of living and seems to be oblivious about the achievement.

One thing which stroked me most about her is her quest to find herself. She was in search of spirituality. She was looking for herself and not the supernatural bodies, behind the pages of holy books. She was as confused as each one of us about her existence. She had questions and she was making attempts to find answers to them.

She isn't as much a perfectionist as I thought she was. She has changed my idea of taking my time to do things perfectly. Putting the work out there as soon as possible without compromising on hard work is one thing I want learn from her. This discovery also earned her respect from my side because her perseverance has already taught her to put up a top class output efficiently.

Despite what she is capable of I could see the fear radiating through her eyes. The fear looked similar to uncertainty. She was deprived of trying to do new things all her life so much that she feared whether she was doing the right thing. She tags along like the perfect sidekick as one could be but fails to see her potentiality of becoming the leader herself.

And where all the world might seem far ahead of her, she is catching up. Even though she started late, she is catching up to surpass everyone who stands in front of her and her next project. The project is her next big thing. She isn't much of a dreamer as she is the realist. And with her every new big project she is conquering the world around her.

She is as difficult as I make her sound. She is like a tangled earpiece. One would have to make an effort to untangle but she was worth the hassle. I am taking my time with her, myself. I quietly observe her from afar, afraid I am going to break her balance if I push her too hard.

18. Wisely Choose Your Idol

Ever happened that you finally decide to look up to someone, name them your idol and one day they insult you in front of strangers, tear down all what is left of your confidence and smile at you like nothing has happened?
I am not about hard love. I can never look back at you the same way and I find it disturbing how you set my impression in front of those strangers. It's particularly disturbing how I wasn't at fault and the amount of influence you had on those strangers is going to change my impression on them as well.
I will never forgive you for all the time I spent on my room regretting trying to change, to get along with people. I will not be able to get inspired by others the same way because I am going to remember this very time being inspired by you has cost me regret and self doubt.
Your one insult has made me realize how I was right all along. How I shouldn't have changed, never talked to new people and let me be on my own. Not trying at all. I hate how much I didn't want to be right.
After what you did to me, the one person I see most at fault is myself. I shouldn't have regarded you as an angel. I don't think it was right of me to listen to your advice. I guess, I was too naive. I never thought you could do any wrong to me. I was blinded by your confidence and charisma. Maybe your sweet talk made me feel good. Your remarks on my work made them feel worthy of my time. Maybe I was getting carried away by your charm and politeness.
I was mistaken to believe that you were perfect and you meant no harm to me or my mental health. But all these beliefs have led me to this immense pain I feel inside of me right now. Months have passed by but I am unsure about myself. I am not sure if my work is any good anymore. I miss you at times. I miss how I could ask you for advice when it came to my work. I miss the person I thought you were.
But more than what I miss, I struggle with forgiveness. I struggle to forget. Neither has been kind to me so far. Your words pinches my heart every time I think of it. My eyes were filled with tears then. They still do now.
So, don't be surprised when I don't smile back anymore. Hurt has affected me and pierced my heart in the most ugly way possible. But I wish you well in all your endeavors. I see you changing people's life, everyday which makes me happy. You have changed mine too but I see myself as your failed project.

17. Takeaways: Finding Dory

Who is Dory?

Dory is a crazy little fragment inside all of us. She is sassy, fun, confident and absolutely insane. She is the side of us who scares the other bits of us. Dory is the Dionysian side of Nietzsche’s Birth of Tragedy. She is about passion and all she knows is to keep swimming.

When I entered the cinema hall to watch Finding Dory, I wasn’t expecting much. I surely wasn’t expecting to learn. I went there for Ellen Degeneres (the voice of Dory). She has done a great job. And I cannot think of better voice than Ellen for Dory. Ellen is all about Dory.

Dory is a blue tang fish and she has short term memory loss. She loses her parents as a child and the story starts when she finally remembers she has a family and she misses them. It’s a heart warming story of a fish who realizes what it’s like to miss for the first time and goes on a journey to look for it.

Finding Dory is about life. It’s about finding our origin and rediscovering our actual self. Finding Dory awakens the Dory in us, we often forget about.

In life, there is at least one place we can always go back to. Our home. Home is safe, beautiful and always welcoming. The essence of having a home ignites because it is the only place we can go back to when we are lost.

If you have a home, you will never lose yourself.

The home comprises people you can always count on. They will love you no matter what you do and who you have become. Home is one thing you will never forget. And if it’s a home, you will always find your way back.

Finding Dory illustrates friends as the other family. They are not related to you by blood but that doesn’t make them less of a family. In life, there are people who will always love you, support you and never let you down.

The people who will agree with your crazy ideas because they don’t know how not to believe. Friends who love you so much, they are conditioned to support you no matter what you decide to do.

Along the journey of life, you will also make acquaintances, they don’t know your back story. But there are people who are always willing to help. The world is full of good people and most of the times we fail to see because we are so afraid to ask them for their help and help them back.

Finding Dory is about enjoying the little things in life, even when you are struggling to remember what keeps you happy. It’s about believing in your destiny when things go out of control.

The movie highlights the need to keep swimming, to keep moving. To keep believing the Dory in us. She, who often talks nonsense but makes so much sense.

Make mistakes but correct them and never ever stop swimming.

So, next time you are lost, ask yourself, ‘What would Dory do?’

Do not be afraid to do things that don’t make sense. Live and let yourself enjoy as a normal human being, flawed with scars and beautiful.